5 Years on…

Today is a strange day. It’s 5 years since my Mum was killed in a car crash along with her friend, in a tragic accident. That day so many people’s worlds were turned upside down, all from one mad moment, none more than Dad & I. Dad didn’t make it, grief took him just under 3 years later. 
As those of you who followed me know, I’ve plodded on through. Even taking 4 months out to grieve, travel and ‘get over it’. Probably a naive view on grief as you never get over it. 
So last Christmas I kind of had a relapse, all the process of grieving should have been done (apparently) but I felt emptier, lonlier, anxious and emotional than ever. How on earth do you move on? 
Well you just sometimes have to ask for help. For me that was professional help, my friends had been through enough & I needed a neutral person I could scream, shout & cry at. Someone I could say all those things to that sound selfish or hateful. Someone who would listen, and make senses of all the noise in my head. 
I started some grief counselling- which is not as scary as it sounds I promise! Also I revisited some Cognitive behavioural therapy to help me deal with my anxiety and irrational thoughts. Practical skills to get you over those mad feelings your going to collapse, throw up, or want to hide away. 
It wasn’t easy. There was some really low points. Reliving it all, Mums death and Dads made me worse. Lots of sleepless nights and tears, was I falling apart? Of course not. I was finally grieving. Ouch it bloody hurt. Like a punch to the brain, heart and stomach all at once. 
The turning point was writing a letter to both of them. And then reading it out allowed. I genuinely didn’t think you can cry that much. But you can. Days after the exhaustion came the relief like a giant weight hd been lifted, maybe it was Mum and Dad telling me it’s all OK and to get on with things. Then the guilt went. I realised I have done my time feeling responsible, like I should have been able to stop it all happening and now it’s time to slowly but steadily move on and bloody well live life to the full. 
So although I will always have my odd days, and moments, I know life is for living and nothing or no one is going to get in my way. Those who annoy me, use me or insult me will know. Those who like me or love me will know more than ever. Those are the ones that matter. 
Today is OK. Yes It is 5 years since I last heard my beautiful Mums voice, calling me to ask how my trip to Paris was, asking what I had for dinner (daily question) & wishing me a happy birthday for tomorrow. But I’m not sad today. I’m thoughtful but remembering the good things and the happy times with Mum. 
No more sad posts, no more tears of guilt. Time to move on. 

Love you Mum. I’m not sure I’ll party like I used to tomorrow on my birthday but I will be raising a glass of bubbles in your honour and mine to celebrate my birthday week! 
Cheers to you all. 😘

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